


To Be Whole Again

by remember-gadreel (kams_log)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gadreel believes he is unworthy of friendship or love, Gadreel reflects on the choices he's made, Hurt Gadreel, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sam comforts him, Scars, basically a big shmoop, lots of fluff, some mild body horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 03:17:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3634614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kams_log/pseuds/remember-gadreel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gadreel reflects on his life, the choices he's made, and the consequences they brought. Looking back, he isn't sure how he made it where he is today, or how he even has friends in the Winchester's. </p><p>And with his growing friendship, possibly even relationship with Sam, Gadreel wonders if he really deserves it? </p><p>(Better than it sounds I promise.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be Whole Again

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in response to a prompt on tumblr.
> 
> me: fallingforgadreel.tumblr.com

Gadreel had spent enough time to himself to know what it meant to be an angel. He had centuries, millions of years to reminisce, remember what it was like to be a true angel during his time in captivity. He’d been one of Heaven’s most loyal. And he had let them down. God, the angels, all of them. And there was no way he could ever make it up to them. 

He’d come to terms with this. It was just a fact. He had made the gravest mistakes of time itself. He was the reason for the fall of humanity, the separation of man and God. To do this was a crime unforgivable. Gadreel understood this. 

But the hardest part had been losing his wings. The torture he’d survived. The millions of years of loneliness and despair had taken it’s tole. But he’d always imagined he could live with that. He deserved it, after all. But his wings… It was the proof. It was the truest evidence of who he was. Of what he’d done. He lost everything in that fall. He was going to spend the rest of eternity, locked in that tiny cell, and sometimes he wondered if he’d prefer that reality to this one. Because at least then, no matter how deplorable his actions had been, the angels had not taken his wings. 

But they still burned. He bore the scars on his back, like the hundreds of thousands of angels that fell with him. It was strange to think about. He had not seen his brothers and sisters in centuries. He’d only known his punishment and his torturers. But this pain was unlike any other. The first time he saw his entire family once again, they were all burning and falling from the stars. 

He made more mistakes. He hurt more people. He regretted it every time. But there was nothing to be done. He was desperate for forgiveness, but in the end, he only brought more anger and evil upon himself. 

It was no less than he deserved. 

But after everything, after the fall of Metatron, Gadreel found himself in the most unlikely of situations. Sam Winchester, the man he had used for his own gain, for his own reckless pursuit of forgiveness and peace, the man he had used in horrible and despicable ways… forgave him. 

He found himself being accepted into the bunker. He didn’t understand. He didn’t pretend to either. Dean Winchester was still skeptical of him, but Castiel convinced him of Gadreel’s loyalty. That he had truly only been trying to do good, even though all of his actions proved doubtful. 

But Sam forgave him. Dean accepted him, grudgingly, and Castiel was his friend. 

They were not like his family in Heaven. They were far better. 

Gadreel was never sure when it happened, or how. It started with studying together in the library, researching and working on simple cases. Then it grew into morning rituals. Gadreel didn’t sleep, and often kept himself busy in the late hours of the night. Sam would wake at around four, every morning, and together they would share breakfast, even though Gadreel didn’t require sustenance, and would talk about anything in general. Work, the hunt, Dean and the mark, what life would have been like if angels had been true and man had been just. 

After a while, Gadreel didn’t wait for Sam to wake up. He would make breakfast before the man began his day. The surprise on his friend’s face had been worth the small trouble, so Gadreel didn’t see any reason to stop.

Breakfasts together turned into lunches, and dinners. They began spending more time together than apart. Gadreel loved every moment of it. He felt his connection to Sam grow every day. 

They were much alike, he and Sam. Like two sides of the same coin. As Gadreel learned more about Sam’s past, he realized just how deeply the two of them were similar. They had both been tainted by a situation out of their control. They had both made mistakes that could not be fixed, or forgiven. They had both made the ultimate sacrifice, both of them saved through means outside of their own power or understanding. 

They were one in the same. The only true difference Gadreel could see, was that Sam believed there was hope for them. In the end of all things, Sam believed they would make it through, survive, maybe even be happy. 

Gadreel didn’t see that. He did not pretend to either. But it didn’t stop Sam from trying to convince him, to prove to him that there was something good in them. Good in him. 

But Gadreel loved him for it. He grew to love him for many other things. He loved Sam’s loyalty, the fire he had for his family and his fierce desire to protect what was good in the world. His believe in innocence, in second chances. 

Gadreel knew what love is. And he knew what he felt was that very emotion. 

He never acted on it. He didn’t deserve that kind of love. Sam Winchester had a beautiful soul. He saw the good in everything, even when it was not there. Gadreel was not good. He was a broken, scarred, and corrupt creature. He was far from worthy. 

So it surprised him, one morning, as he was making coffee and heard Sam enter the kitchen. 

Gadreel had long since mastered the art of ‘instant coffee.’ It was a strange device, but Gadreel was far from incompetent. He knew all the buttons to press, and in which order, and how much water to fill the container with. He liked order, plans, things that were easily understood and followed. Things that could not be mistaken unless with inexperience. 

“Good morning,” Gadreel said when he heard his friend’s footsteps enter the room. “How did you sleep?”

Sam didn’t answer for a moment. He collapsed at the table and groaned. Gadreel raised an eyebrow and turned, bringing a mug of steaming coffee and a plate of fruit and eggs to his friend. “I take it you did not sleep well.”

“Nope,” Sam mumbled, gratefully taking the hot beverage and sipping at it. “I… was thinking.”

“I see,” Gadreel stated. He picked up his own plate of food. He’d long since learned that Sam was uncomfortable being watched while he ate. The only natural response was to eat with his friend. It made the young human more comfortable, Gadreel learned. “What were you thinking about?” 

Sam didn’t respond for several moments. Gadreel didn’t mind. He was used to extended silences. He was also used to Sam staring at him for those many silences. It was growing increasingly common, and it was beginning to worry Gadreel. He hoped it wasn’t because of something he’d done to offend his friend. Because nothing would have hurt him more to know he had unknowingly hurt someone he cared about, loved. 

When Sam finally replied, Gadreel didn’t know what to think. “I was thinking about you.” 

“Have I done something to wrong you?” It was his own paranoia, but he could not help himself. He could not bear it if Sam had been hiding such a truth from him. He wanted to make it right, whatever it was. 

But Sam’s face was calm, if not slightly nervous. It did nothing to calm Gadreel’s own rising fears. 

“No, God no, Gadreel,” Sam said, putting his cup down and wrapping his large hands around the mug. “You’ve done nothing to wrong me, or anybody else here. You’ve been nothing but great to us. You’ve been amazing, to be honest.” 

“Then I do not understand. Why would you think about me to such an extent you would lose sleep?”

Sam blushed. It confused Gadreel further. 

“Uh… well, I’ve been thinking about you for a while now, to be honest.” Sam swallowed down a large portion of his coffee. Gadreel stared and waited. 

“So, I guess I’m just going to come out with it. I like you Gadreel.” 

“I am fond of you as well, Sam,” Gadreel replied, narrowing his eyes.

“No, damn Gadreel, not like that. I mean I like you. I care for you, very deeply. More so than normal friends do.” 

Gadreel stared at the man. It didn’t make sense. Sam’s words were illogical at best. No one could care for Gadreel in such a way. Friendship was already more than Gadreel deserved. But to insinuate that he was loved also, in more than a way of friendship… was cruel. 

“Are you mocking me?” He didn’t mean to be harsh. But he could not understand. Sam didn’t understand. Gadreel was not lovable. He had long since accepted this fact. And yet Sam stared at him with genuine pain that made Gadreel want to fly away. 

He was painfully reminded of his missing wings. Further proof that he was less than worthy. Further evidence that he was broken and scarred, just a creature to be pitied but not taken in. Not in that way. 

“I would never mock you,” Sam’s voice was low, pained. Gadreel hated to think he had somehow inflicted that pain.

“Then why would you say such things. I am not lovable.”

“How could you say that?” Sam’s eyes were shining, the sign of coming tears. Gadreel wanted to send them away with a flick of his fingers, the brush of his lips. But he was barely deserving of sitting with this man. And this man was suggesting something akin to love and romance, was he not? 

Sam continued, “You are lovable. I love you. Why would you ever think that?”

“I am the reason your friend is dead,” Gadreel deadpanned. “I used you for my own benefits. Even if you say you have forgiven me, my actions are not something forgivable. Even if you refuse to accept this, I am flawed. I am not a man or an angel. I have no wings, I am scarred body and soul. My grace is threads compared to that of Castiel and my brethren. Yet you look at me as though I am something whole and beautiful. You are mistaken.”

“Then you’re blind.” Sam’s voice was like a growl, but it was enough to capture Gadreel’s full attention. “I love you because of everything about you, Gadreel. You are something to be treasured, not left behind. I refuse to accept you as anything less than that.”

“I am broken.”

“You are beautiful.” 

Gadreel looked away, his jaw tightening. He knew better than to fight with Sam. He was more stubborn than his brother, in many ways. Gadreel would not fight over something this trivial and obvious as this.

“May I… see?” The question caught Gadreel off guard. But one look at Sam proved his friend’s sincerity. 

Gadreel didn’t answer, and instead turned in his seat to pull his jacket and shirt away. Sam immediately moved to come and sit beside him. Gadreel could feel his friend’s hands hovering over the raised skin, the old injuries, beatings, and torture that had somehow manifested into his body from the remnants of his grace. Old burns covered the length of his back where his wings had once been. 

“Damn…” Sam murmured. Gadreel huffed in annoyance.

“Do you understand now? You should not pick me. I am not what you want.” 

There was silence for a brief moment. Only a moment, before suddenly the press of lips touched the center of his back. Gadreel froze, terrified by the sensation. It was soft, gentle, and completely perfect. But all too soon it was gone, and Gadreel felt himself wilt at the absence. But another kiss was given, this time over the tip of his shoulder blade, and then another on his opposite side. The kisses continued over many raised edges, and by the time Sam’s lips were at the base of his neck, Gadreel was trembling and overheated. His eyes were wet, but no tears fell. 

Strong arms wrapped around his arms and torso, and Sam’s chin rested on his shoulder. 

“I would choose you in any lifetime. I choose you, Gadreel. I love you, scars and all. Wings or not. I want you, no one else. But only if you’ll accept me too.”

Gadreel took a shuddering breath. “I already have.” 

Sam turned him around in his chair and kissed his forehead. “I love you.” 

This time, the tears came. But Sam kissed them away, and for the first time in centuries, Gadreel felt whole.


End file.
